We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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