My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
