grandma shit on top of the toilet
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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