Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
