Kareoke will never be a sober sport
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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