We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just pee around me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
