I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
