Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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