If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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