so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
