I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
even my farts smell like vagina
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
