HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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