He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
