After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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