Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
