Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
