got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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