Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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