Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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