just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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