Don't you send me to vm
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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