I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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