Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My ATM looks so different sober.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
