I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
please don't ironically join a cult
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