I wish my penis had an off switch
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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