My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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