Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think my mom watched the whole time
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
only you would photoshop your dick
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
