I CAN MOONWALK!
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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