Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
