I wish I could punch you in the face.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
