things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
