do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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