I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
