I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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