I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
