you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
