I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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