3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
