so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
