walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
