fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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