just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
