I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think i have herpe
just one?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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