can we get nightvision for the apartment?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize