How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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