Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
