I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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