Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
