my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
