after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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