Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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