we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
