I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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