Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
tell me about the fingering
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
