There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
