Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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