Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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