found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
