i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
