When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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