So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
