I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
