Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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