Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I supernannyed him into submission
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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